The association of camera and pistol is an interesting one. The scene from Arrebato (Rapture) in which the protagonist performs his self-harm ritual of falling asleep in front of his Super-8 camera resonated with me. The camera recording him one frame at a time and simultaneously killing him. The camera, according to Bazin and Barthes, “touches the complex human relation to death,” with diverging perspectives. (Mulvey, 60) “For Bazin, it is to transcend death, part of the process of mourning; for Barthes, it is ‘the dive into death’, an acceptance of mortality.” (ibid)

The scene reminds me of a series of episodes I’ve experienced dealing with the death of a relationship, a world, a self. Transcendental meditation uses a mantra—a specific word or sound, repeated. The mantra serves as a mental anchor, facilitating relaxation and focus, much like a mnemonic helps recall information.  A mnemonic is a tool for remembering - connecting memory to a pattern, rhyme, image, or action. Saying, "Righty tighty, lefty loosey" while tightening or loosening something, counting the knuckles of our hands to remember the number of days in each month, and an abacus - all are common mnemonics.

I have been thinking of this ritual I do as a ‘restart,’ a procedure for the repercussions of heartbreak. Usually after I see an image, an episode starts. I surrender fully to the voice I hear, at times repeating it. Letting memory and emotion overwhelm me, I let myself go to sleep, or ‘die.’ I slowly put my head down and close my eyes, fading into unconsciousness. A form of catharsis. Hours later, I wake up in the same position.

I was reminded of this nervous system-regulating ritual when I watched Arrebato. Seeing Pedro get ready for bed in broad daylight for the camera to devour him, I thought of images that hurt me. Certain, vague images. Places and objects I’ve seen countless times but wouldn’t be able to describe. I’ve looked at them a thousand times and still cannot describe the exact colour - I told myself that when I saw you again, I would have a good look. They are bluish on the outer circle, then there is yellow and green mixed in.

I showed him a still from the car crash scene of Blue (1993) by Krzysztof Kieślowski, UV-printed onto a broken wing mirror I found during my lunch break in Soho. I asked him to guess what it was. His guess was a picture of us.

Months ago in a moment of frustration and helplessness, I deleted all of those images. I wanted to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind the fuck out of myself.
I ended up sparing a few because I couldn’t destroy something that was once sacred.

blue
2025
Print on broken wing mirror depicting the crash scene from Blue (1993), t-shirt, safety pin, media player, mini model car, stamp, pirate film copy of Kieslowski‘s Blue, 27 x 27 x 6 cm.